The Zoo 1: Unborn/The Zoo 1 - Unborn.adf/ARTICLES/Lonely.txt

Text File | 1992-10-23 | 6KB | 126 lines

@H@3LONELY PEOPLE
@A@2By The Bargee
@FHnewcentury24
@FAbigwall16
@FMshareandenjoy08
{2@1
1I have come to the believe that there are alot of Amiga users out there who
1simply write in to Amiga magazines to humiliate themselves. In almost every
1issue of almost any mag you read somebody manages to write some utterly shit
1question which they should have known the answer to if:
{1@3> had owned an Amiga for more than 2 days
3> read the manual
3> guessed
3> thought about what a really obvious actualy meant (come on, you don't
3  need a dictionary do you)
3> Looked at a dictionary if they are really thick and DID need a dictionary
{3@1
1There are certain charateristics about all these letters:
{1@3> They often are written by 2 brothers and use the term WE (e.g. "We recently
3  purchased a Amiga 600")
3> Alot of them are written by parents on behalf of little Timmy or someone
3> They try to sound technical by using long (and never used by the pros)
3  sentances like `Floppy Diskette' and `6 direction, microswitched joystick
3  with stress relief coard'
3> They always make a fatal error (which always provides a good laugh) e.g.
3  "We recently purchased an Amiga 500+ - with 1000 meg, you konw")
3> They often think their problem is caused by lack of memory, startup-
3  sequence or a virus in their battery backup clock
3> They always, Always, ALWAYS believe that when a disk is called `Lazarus'
3  it must have a virus on it
3> They take the magazine's word as gospel, even if the person writing the
3  article is as thick as fuck
{3@1
1Now you have a little more understanding of this particular (and sadly none
1too rare) bread of Amiga owners, I think it is time to shock you with some
1genuine examples of the atrosities they perpitrate. The following letters
1are all 100% genuine and come from my collection of Amiga magazines. In some
1cases I have cut waffle, but what these people are trying (and hopelessly
1failing) to say remains unchanged. I have also provide the replies that the
1magazine should have given. Pity these people, they know not what they have
1done:
{1@6
6Question -
6We recently purchased an Amiga for programming and graphics. We like drawing
6in DPaint but now, after saving a few paintings, we found when we want to
6save another one, a requestor appears saying `DPaint is full'. We have this
6same trouble with the Extras Disk. Is there any chance of putting our
6paintings or programs on a blank disk (a backup menu) instead of making more
6copies of DPaint or Extras ? Or do we need more meg ?
{6@5
5Answer -
5I see you managed to get the word WE in first time.
5You purchased an Amiga to program ? I doubt whether you even understand how
5to load Hyperbook.
5I simply can not believe you don't understand what has happened when a
5requestor tells you a disk is full, or do you think disks can contain an
5infinite ammount of information ? Why is it a `trouble' when your disks are
5full, it's just a fact. What were you doing saving to your DPaint and Extras
5disk anyway, you thick shit ? Read the first page of the DPaint manual and it
5tells you not to.
5What is a `backup menu' ? Why can't you just say "Dear... I am lame and can
5not be bothered to even look at the manual and find out how to format a
5disk. Please shoot me. From...", instead of trying (and I think TRYING is
5the important word here) to sound clever by making up a load of bollocks
5about a backup menu.
5How can `Disk if full' mean you are short of memory ? Silly me, I thought
5that DPaint splashed out on an extra requestor - `Out of memory' to indicate
5lack of memory.
5Fuck off. Continue saving to millions of copies of DPaint and Extras, just
5don't bother me again with your lameness.
5
{5@6
6Question -
6Could you please tell me where I could get hold of an ST adaptor for an Amiga
6that would allow me to load ST games on my A500. I would like one as it
6would save me £5 every time I buy a game. I have an A500 with Kickstart 1.2.
{6@5
5Answer -
5I just simply can not believe that this is a real letter. You must simply be
5the most saddest person I have ever heard of. I'm frankly surprised that you
5didn't buy an ST in the first place, because then you could have been lame
5together.
5
{5@6
6Question -
6I would like to know whether there is a piece of software or hardware for the
6Amiga that allows it to run ST software. Also, is there a piece for the ST
6that allows it to run Amiga software ? Please help as it would save me a
6fortune.
{6@5
5Answer -
5I refer you to the answer to the last question.
5The idea of an Amiga emulator for the ST made me laugh. You talk out of your
5anal passage.
5
{5@6
6Question -
6Last weekend my Amiga crashed while I was running a program. The top part of
6the screen went back, with a message saying `Guru Meditation' followed by a
6long number which, in my surprise, I did not write down. After I reset the
6Amiga, the program ran without any problem. Does this mean that my Amiga has
6developed some kind of intermittent fault ?
{6@5
5Answer (in sarcastic tone) -
5Yes it has developed a major fault. I'm afraid it's to do with the startup-
5sequence, lack of memory and a virus in your battery backup clock. Has your
5disk changed it's name to `Lazarus' ? VIRUS ALERT !, VIRUS ALERT ! The
5termites are out. Man the battle stations. DON'T PANIC !, DON'T PANIC !
5
{5@6
6Question -
6Please tell me that I haven't made a huge £600 mistake. I've just bought a
6CDTV and although I've played Lemmings to death, the machine has now become
6the most expensive white elephant I've ever bought. Is anything going to come
6out on this machine or have I wasted my money ?
{6@5
5Answer -
5You haven't made a huge £600 mistake buying a CDTV, you've made a massive
5£600 mistake.
5
{5@1
1Thats enough of these `letters'. I think it is unfair to release these people
1back into the community so soon. Surely they should be some form of treatment
1in a high security mental wing.
X0*]